By a 57-56 margin, Phillip "Bohlayashi" Bohle has emerged victorious this evening in the much-anticipated "Stricken by Chicken" wing-eating contest. Despite a Brumble barrage of psychological warfare -- including the resurgence of his Bizarro Prefontaine persona (dormant since 2001) -- it was Bohle who went the distance tonight in Iowa City's Vine Tavern.Neck and neck after 4 baskets, each reeling from the one-two punch of 2 pints of wing sauce and 1 bitchy waitress, it was the fans who propelled each contestant to the brink. "I wouldn't even have broken 50 if not for the crowd's enthusiasm," said Brumm afterwards, before passing out into a pile of his own reversal of fortune. "The fans were great," added Bohle, "especially that one lady sitting at the bar."
In lieu of an official prize for the winner, it is rumored that Massachusetts may cede 1 electoral vote to Iowa, but confirmation is pending as this entry goes to press. It is confirmed, however, that the people of Swedesburg may sleep soundly knowing that Steve and Susie's kid ate 8 celery sticks to Bohle's 7, and increased the town's mean BMI by 1 SD. Cresco, meanwhile, need no longer claim its fame on having produced the world's 1st airline stewardess, as there is a new sheriff in town -- his badge: the Nobel Prize of Gluttony.
3 comments:
I'd like to start off by congratulating the loser of last night's debacle. I'd also like to thank the fans. You made me all I could be, without the threat of reenlistment. It was a special night for me as I even had family in attendance. Mad props to Klake, you're like a sister to me.... and Clake, you're like a brother to me.... a brother that married my sister..... ahem.... and Plake. You da man!
It was a tough fight last night. I'm still a little punchy this morning. I've managed some hot laps though, so I think I should be back to good health by this time next month. I'm not sure if it's better or worse that I suffered no reversals of fortune last night.
I'd like to end this statement with an announcement: I am hereby announcing my retirement from the world of competitive eating. I would appreciate it if the press will respect my privacy. Also: If I can change.... and if you can change... EVERYBODY can change!
Excellent work gentlemen. I will always (and I do mean ALWAYS) be first in line to see someone hurt themselves for my amusement.
So ... lunch at EMRB today, then?
Lunch? Indeed, but not too much.
Post a Comment