Why I'm not at work

I hope your Monday is treating you well. I decided to take the day off for a trip up to Cresco. In the world of all that is Gluttonous, I also made a trip to a little place called the Irish Shanti in a little place called Gunder, Iowa. Aside from being about 5 miles from my family's other acreage, it is also the proud home of the Gunderburger (seen above). That's 20 ounces of greasy burger right there, and I demolished it. Even had the side of hashbrowns as well. That would be the third time I've laid waste to the Gunderburger.

For more information, visit www.thegunderburger.com. Oh, as far as eating establishments go, the Irish Shanti is quite the place. Fantastic food. It's also a pretty decent bar with a beer selection to even satisfy all you beer snobs. They have Busch Light as well, and due to the proximity to my cabin, there's ample Busch Light in the area at all times.

See y'all Tuesday, suckers!

March 2004-August 2007. R.I.P.

Dianna (above, sort of) is leaving her post today as Student Researcher to assume the role of Student on a full time basis. This is trully a sad day in the lab, as a strong employee is now dead to me. Let's make an obituary for Dianna's career:

Dianna's career was born after spring break of 2004. Some forget that her career also has a twin, by the name of Phil. His is quite a bit more successful, obviously. She recieved a healthcare email account and an office. Soon after she began pretending to work on random stuff. One of her first assignments was to make name placards for everyone in the lab and she spelled everyone's name correctly, except for Phil's. This was the first act of blatant sabotage in an illustrious career of sabotage against Phil. A short time later, an unnamed coworker squirted her pants and shoes with water but claimed it was bleach. Dianna unleashed her first profane assault on said coworker, a pattern of abuse that has tainted her reputation as a solid employee ever since (let's digress a little. She's called Phil a dumbass 87 times. She's flipped him off 243 times since statistics have been kept, which was last week. She's taken credit for everything Phil has done. She even sabotaged Phil's imminent discovery of renewable energy by flinging poo at him.) Eventually Dianna moved and got the good office at the end of the lab. There, she can take naps after pummeling her coworkers, emotionally and physically (as if she didn't have it good enough with the good office). At one point, Dianna won an award. No one is sure why she won anything, but she did anyway. Over time, Dianna quit pretending to work hard and took a great deal of time off for things like "the MCATs," a "wedding," and a "honeymoon." This was the beginning of the end for Dianna as her employers scrambled to push her into medical school to keep her busy when she got fired. Lord knows she would have completely gone nutso if she was fired without distractions. August seventeenth, 2007, marks the day where she's finally getting the boot.

All joking aside, let's give Dianna one last lunch sendoff today. Let's make some crude jokes and watch her completely tune out all sounds eminating from her own table. That would be the best send off possible.

Thursday Lunch

Hey guys and gals, I am planning on being at EMRB at Noon today. Hope to see you there!

Interesting SNL tidbits

A couple weekends ago there was a Chevy Chase marathon on AMC. Being that I'm a huge fan of some of his earlier work (because there's nothing recent he's done) I watched much of Fletch and Fletch Lives. I found it interesting that he "hosted" the marathon, which meant that once an hour he would say, "I'm Chevy Chase and you're watching Fletch." Once, during the marathon, he commented that Fletch was his favorite movie to make because he was able to make up his own lines. He didn't appear to be funny in any way, and I got to wondering what he's been up to and what caused him to fall off the face of the earth. So this morning, after coming in sick (peanuts, not the terminator) I looked up some stuff and found out he's been banned from Saturday Night Live. I was even more interested to see the following list of banned performers and the reasons for their banishments.

http://www.zimbio.com/Infamous+moments+in+Saturday+Night+Live+history/notes/1/People+banned+from+SNL

SNL seemed to be much more interesting back in the day.

Fletch, reincarnated

Gail Stanwyck (Bill): What are you doing here?

Fletch (Phil): I ordered some lunch.

Gail Stanwyck (Brummski): You ordered it here?

Fletch (Phil): Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.

*****

Fletch (Dianna): If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

See you all at EMRB at noon?

A True Classic

These guys are definitely the bomb, and not all that much different than Itchy and Scratchy, if you actually watch Tom and Jerry. I've definitely seen Tom get scalped in one or more of the cartoons.

Lunch today?

BTW, searching for this picture under Google images was my third idea of the morning. I tried for 2 other innocent subjects (one of which being the name of this blog) and accidentally stumbled upon porn on the first page of the search. If I end up missing from work for awhile, now you all know why.

The True LOLCat

Since Kristina's away, this is the picture I requested she put up yesterday.

I know it will be a sparsely attended lunch today, so I would like to welcome all closet-readers of No Complaints to come out of the woodwork and join me for lunch at EMRB at noon today.

For manly love be at EMRB Aug 9 at 12:00 sharp

my first post!!!

cutest cat ever?

Phil wanted to let everyone know that it was not actually him that posted this picture, it was in fact me(kristina). Who wouldn't want credit for this though?!

lunch at emrb?

Keep'n up with the Joneses

Whew, at least I'm keeping up with Clake on subject matter!

Any of you poopers coming to lunch today? If so, leave a smear right above the toilet paper dispenser. Don't bother leaving a note or anything, I'll be able to identify who's who by scent, sight, and if the opportunity presents itself..... touch (y'all thought I was going to go with taste, didn't you??).

If you're unable to "have a movement," feel free to just respond to this post.

I'm just so proud I have to share

Bring your Meatwad!

I'm planning a party. Here's your invite:

Activity: Lunch

Where: EMRB

When: Noon (CST)

How: By any means necessary

Who: The ghettoist folks

Standard Deviation: 23

Color: Red (for blood)

Size: 36-24-36

Shoe: Airwalks

Genre: Easy listening

Food: Beef stroganoff

Beverage: Cognac

Animal: Beaver

Thief: Turd Burglar

Facial Tissue: Kleenex

Bladder Control Device: Depends

Bowel Control Device: Plug

Underwear: Optional (although socks are a must!)

Celebrity: Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson

I hope to see you all there!

Inspiration Strikes!

Due to a practical joke attempt gone wrong, the blog has another interesting and informative post today. A coworker asked to borrow my computer and then came to me, asking why the page was opened onto wikipedia and the subject in question was "Dwarf Tossing." Believe me when I say that I didn't come up with the subject, nor would I leave that open on my computer for others to see and judge.

Anyway, I found Dwarf Tossing to be fascinating and did a little research. I was introduced to Cuddles and Lenny the Missile, World Champions. Imagine them, just living the life, knocking back brews at bars and then peddling their wares, which in this case is the ability to entertain the Bejesus out of people by having Cuddles (the big guy) launch the lil' fella, Lenny the Giant (missile) a distance surpassing 12 feet. Damn! That's all I have to say.

I think, however, that the world was a much simpler place when Dwarf Tossing reached its apex. I'm sure that if it was popular today, it would be tainted by steroids, asterisk-riddled records, bulimic dwarfs, and strange love triangles involving other tossers' dwarfs and a donkey show. If only we could return to the good old days when a man could make a living in the honorable way.... by tossing a dwarf across a bar, and being revered for it instead of cast away as a dreg of society. Also, imagine the hope that this sport (yes, I'm calling it a sport) could provide to little people throughout the world. Small children could hope to not grow up and serve the world as a missile. Tall kids would be chastised for being too big to be missiles, and too gangly to be a tosser.

Let us join today at lunch, and raise a glass in honor of all the Cuddles and Lennys (the missiles) out there. May there be hope!

The Cure-all!

If you ever wonder what goes through my head, I'll try to explain the thought process.... my mind is always in the crapper.

I stumbled upon this picture today and had to share it. This toilet is for squatting, instead of sitting, which is supposed to straighten your anal canal and "relieve" you of uncomfortable things such as constipation and, I assume, saddle sores.

For more information, please visit www.relfe.com/toilet_seat_constipation.html. I promise, you won't be disappointed with the information or the stories about your "bum."

Lunch in EMRB today?

Seven Mary Three

If I were getting pulled over, I would definitely want my imminent ticket to be issued by either of these two fellas. I wouldn't even mind if they issued a moving violation, if you know what I mean! (If you know what I mean, please explain, because I don't really know what I mean)

Anyway, where's lunch today? Who'll be there?

Oh yeah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy9aUSdE1Kg&mode=related&search=

Hilarity Ensues

It's Monday, and a very special day indeed as Clake will be consuming the contents of his Alf lunchpail at 12:00 noon in EMRB. I don't know how many of you will be available, but I'm hoping that at least a few will respond with a hearty "No problem!"

Last Minute on Friday

I'm not sure who is around, but it's almost Noon on Friday and I'm heading over to EMRB for some lunch action. Holla!

No Lunch, Just Picture

I dunno. I just had to post this somewhere. Click here for context. I heard Phil talking once about how after he (unsuccessfully) tried to beer-bong four beers at once he had "Busch-Light-peepee" for a week, and this reminded me of that story.

Sorry for the late post!

You down with EMRB? Yeah I'm down with EMRB!

WHO down with EMRB? I'm down with EMRB!

90's Hip-hop anyone? Noon lunch at EMRB anyone? I am going to run a quick errand then I'll be there for lunch. I may be 5 minutes late or so.

See you guys soon!

Eat It

How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it (prrr)

Let's Go Crazy

Let's get nuts
Let's look 4 the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

It's 80's pop icon week on No Complaints

Are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down?
Oh, no let's go!

...up the purple elevator to the atrium?

Wanting, Needing, Waiting

For You to justify my lunch

To the Loo!

After a long night of drinking apple martinis, tequila sunrises, and starbursts, I really had to take a tinkle. I fought my way through the crowd, slapping hands away from my chest and bottom. I saw it, off in the distance, that beautiful beacon of plumbing. I climbed over and around all the glamorous people in that trendy bar, struggling to flex my loins in an effort to control my bladder. Just when I felt the pressure was building to an explosive force, I could hear the flushing and smell the soaps. I was close! The crowd parted and I could see the door. That beautiful door. Shit! It's the women's room.

I slowly retreated from the puddle beneath me, horrified by what had just become of my credibility. Somewhere, off in the distance, taps could be heard. My social life just died, and was buried. Not under the American flag, but under the badge of a dirty bar-towel. I would never be seen in public again, except on the corner, looking for handouts and smoking butts of cast away cigarettes.

Today, July 19th, 2007, I will be making an appearance and EMRB. Hopefully this will be my first step to redemption. Please be gentle.

A Switch Back to Central Daylight Time

To accomodate for a co-worker's medical appointment, I have graciously agreed to eat my lunch with the rest of the mighty, midwestern United States on Wednesday. To further clarify, for morans, I will be eating at noon. In what sorts of places do you folks take your lunches anymore? Someone shout out a locale.

Random Hookups

Last weekend, I got really drunk and hooked up with a fat chick. She was wearing this cute little dress, but unfortunately, she wasn't cute.... or little.... This is her Facebook picture, apparently taken immediately before we met. She's not much to look at, but she is a pretty sooo-eyeet ride, if you know what I mean.

Maybe we will meet her when we go to Airliner for DIANNA'S B-DAY! The plan is to take the 11:45 Pentacrest Route to go

Downtown

Where all the lights are bright

Downtown

Waiting for you tonight

Downtown

You're gonna be alright now

...downtown

We'll be hopping on the bus at MERF, but if anyone else would like to hop on the bus at any other stops, or even walk Downtown

Things'll be great when you're-downtown

Don't wait a minute more

Downtown-everything's waiting for you

Downtown (everything's waiting for you)

That would be fine.

Craptacular Post

No funny business today. Just straight up, old school, kick'n it freestyle, who's going to lunch?-style entry. Nothing funny, whatsoever.

New Menu Link

By popular demand, one can now link to the UIHC Dept of Food and Nutrition Services' "Menu Areas" directly from No Complaints. Experts predict that this new partnership will increase traffic for each of these stellar, yet unheralded, web destinations.

No Lunch, Just Picture Goodness

No lunch again today. I'm in another time zone as I'm chillin' in outer space with my man L. Ron. But I saw this picture and I had to post it for the No Complaints crew.

Say, when is the next 1pm extravanganza to happen?

What'cha gonna do?

When Pastamania runs wild on you!!!

Lunch?

Turd Burglar

I hope this little bandit doesn't come steal any of my masterpieces!

Lunch, anyone?

OH YEEE-UHHhhhh.....

I'm going to let you all in on a very private part of my life, one that I've kept under a shroud of secrecy since an unfortunate incident back in middle school. There are really no words to describe it, so I'll need the help of this self portrait.

Readers of No Complaints..... sometimes my turds are too big for my bum. If you could see the bottom of this picture, you'd see that I'm quite literally Rocking a deuce.

Who's in it for lunch today? EMRB???

It's Monday and I had a dentist appointment at 8:00 this morning

That's right, which makes me HUNGRY. For love. And also lunch. Noon, ladies and gents?

If Anybody is Around

Hey everybody, it's the 5th of July and I'm going to lunch at Noon if anybody else is up for it. I know that Phil is gone but I'm not sure about anybody else. Hope to hear from ya!

Trolling at its finest

Disclaimer: this post is low-brow, even by No Complaints standards, but the following vandalism to Wikipedia's "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest" page simply had to be brought to the masses (and by masses, I of course mean Bill and Phil):


Nathan's International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest is an annual competitive eating competition held at Nathan's Famous Corporation's original and best-known restaurant at the corner of Penis and Wheenis Avenues in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York. The event is held on July 4, and is regarded as the world's most famous penis resembling eating contest. In 2006, over 30,000 spectators attended the event, and an additional 1.5 million households masturbated to it live on ESPN.^[1]

The 69th annual contest will be held July 4, 2007, and will be televised live on ESPN at high noon. EDT. Six-time defending champion Takeru "Balls Deep" Kobayashi will attempt to win his seventh straight despite suffering from reported jaw pain. Balls Deep will be challenged by Joey "Pimple Cock" Chestnut, who recently shattered his cock eating record by eating 106 cocks in a qualifying event^[2]

Dose of Own Medicine as Brumm Gets Taken for a (Mustache) Ride

By a 57-56 margin, Phillip "Bohlayashi" Bohle has emerged victorious this evening in the much-anticipated "Stricken by Chicken" wing-eating contest. Despite a Brumble barrage of psychological warfare -- including the resurgence of his Bizarro Prefontaine persona (dormant since 2001) -- it was Bohle who went the distance tonight in Iowa City's Vine Tavern.

Neck and neck after 4 baskets, each reeling from the one-two punch of 2 pints of wing sauce and 1 bitchy waitress, it was the fans who propelled each contestant to the brink. "I wouldn't even have broken 50 if not for the crowd's enthusiasm," said Brumm afterwards, before passing out into a pile of his own reversal of fortune. "The fans were great," added Bohle, "especially that one lady sitting at the bar."

In lieu of an official prize for the winner, it is rumored that Massachusetts may cede 1 electoral vote to Iowa, but confirmation is pending as this entry goes to press. It is confirmed, however, that the people of Swedesburg may sleep soundly knowing that Steve and Susie's kid ate 8 celery sticks to Bohle's 7, and increased the town's mean BMI by 1 SD. Cresco, meanwhile, need no longer claim its fame on having produced the world's 1st airline stewardess, as there is a new sheriff in town -- his badge: the Nobel Prize of Gluttony.

We're supposed to work today, right?

Hey everybody, it's Monday of 4th of July week. Boo ya!! I'm planning on hitting up a Noon lunch. Anybody with me?

I can't think of a funny theme or picture.

Where's lunch at today? Barring any catastrophic problems, I intend to be there.

Warning:

Watch yourself!

Lunch at EMRB?

Warm it up Kris!

I'm about to!

Warm it up Kris!

That's what I was go'n to do!

Warm it up Kris!

.... I've got no good lines to add to this, so I'm just going to suggest lunch. Any takers?

Last one to lunch is a p**** pump!

Get to EMRB you little wankers (Ohhhhhhh!) http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/375/

Keeping you up! On what's going down!

IOWA CITY, Iowa- Reports are surfacing involving a disaster in MEB today. A flood has hit the upper hallway in the basement area, effectively blocking passage to and from select offices and lab areas.

"Did you see the flood up there?" one employee asked upon walking into work this morning. Most of the employees already at work seemed to nod their heads, saying that they too, had seen the flood.

Al Qaeda has denied all responsibility of this act. They were suspected to begin with because of the obvious side effect of the flooding, the squeek of shoes. This has been a major distraction throughout the day and has set American science back at least as far as the time it's taken me to write this bulletin. "Yeah, I can't get any work done due to the maddening squeek of shoes throughout the lab. It's inhumane," Kristi something-or-other reported when asked about the mental condition of neighboring workers. No word yet on whether or not the low levels of mental activity can be blamed upon the flood, the squeeky shoes, or prior circumstances.

A man named Philthy was overheard relating this disaster to one several years ago involving a popped vericose vein in an adjoining section of the building. "Yeah, it sounded like a train coming towards me. I went up to see what the commotion was and got turned aways away. There was blood like everywhere. This flood isn't nearly that funny, but I still find it amusing."

Areas hardest hit by the flood, which apparently originated from some water, include the hallway in front of Bill's office, and Brumblerhoids old cave. No word yet on how many survivors there are. Stay tuned to NCNC for further details.

This has been a presentation of No Complaints News Corp. Any rebroadcast of this story without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is probably frowned upon.

Pimp Juice

Yeah, the b*tches like me for my Pimp Juice!

I decided on the title of today's post and then went a search'n for images pertaining to pimp juice. This was one of my options. Now, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. What would you do??

Lunch today, gentlemen? My day is looking rather promising, a lot like Grizzly Adams' chances with some groupies at a Dan Fogleberg concert, so where shall it be?

Wednesday Lunch

I'm at a 50/50 % chance for lunch right now. I'll see if I can get on here again before noon to confirm or dis-confirm. Boo ya!

=Gyro Balls?

Sorry I was unable to attend yesterday. Who's down for it (lunch) today? I've got a busy day today, so would EMRB be kosher with everyone?

Gyro Balls

Lunch?

I like it when you call me Big Pa-pa

Assuming I'm not on robot duty at high-noon, I'll be wining and dining at EMRB, with a silver lining! (Damn, my poetry skills are shining!)

Thursday Lunch

I don't know if those Wack guys from Wacker Dr. are back in town yet, but I am thinking Noon lunch at EMRB. Any takers?

Wack Attack, M*****F*****s!

Axe and I will be eating lunch today at 111 East Wacker. 12:00 noon. Any takers?

Monday Lunch might kill you

I'm down for some Noon lunch action. How about you guys?

Anyone out there?

If there is, let me know and join me for lunch?

Unite, fellow girly-men, for 11:45 lunch!

I want kandy!

I do hope this picture is doctored. I really do. Anyway, lunch in the EMRB at noon, anyone?

Soup's on!

How about y'all join me for lunch? EMRBizzy? Elsewhere? Brummblebutt, remember, you have to escort me to an appointment at 12:40.

Fortnightly Clake Invitational

Who: No Complaints Posse
What: Lunch
When: Maybe twice a month at 12:00 MDT (1:00 Iowa time)
Where: TBA
How: By hook or high water
Entertainment: MC Pee Pants
Song: "Mississippi Queen"
Instrument: Harmonica

What d'ya think?

Days of our Complaints

Tune in Today, 1 pm EST, Noon CST, to get your No Complaints questions answered. Will Philthy eat the sandwich that he made last Wednesday to save Bill from the Westside Story dancing gangs? Will Bill reciprocate one kind gesture for another with a mouthful of Tenderloins? Will Brummski eat butt-bread-sandwiches?

EMRB will never make it back, and someone might die too!

Uggghh!

I'm still not feeling well, but I am quite bored so there's a chance I'll still stumble into work today. Also, I want to go to happy hour, so I should probably go to work for at least a little bit to make it okay for me to go drink later.

I think the cause of my illness has something to do with recieving barrier-free iHead from this guy behind the Union Bar. He said it was his first time, and I believed him, mostly because he's at least partially computerized and was wearing an M.I.T. sweatshirt. The fanny pack should have tipped me off though.... SUCH AN IDIOT!

Cat Scratch Fever

I'm calling out the coolest cats in UIHC: get out of my dreams, get into my car, and drive to the EMRB today at noon.

The Life & Times of MC Pee Pants

After conducting a Google Pictures search for "harmonica + funny", I inexplicably came up with this. Anyway, who's up for a little exploration today? I propose Colloton Commons, located on the lower level of John Colloton Pavilion off of elevator H. Who is down?

Poetry in Motion

I'm thinking that we should all band together and write a poem today. Feel free to add lines as you wish.

EMRB
It's the place to be
Noon on The dot
after I pee
If the heavens Shall open
If the ground shall tremble
You can count on me
but don't Blame the pee!

Tuesday EMRB Lunch!

Hey guys, sorry I am late but I just got in. If anybody is interested in lunch at EMRB lunch at Noon today I will be there (but probably 5 minutes late)

Otterlicious

That, my friends, is a sea otter going to the "loo", which is British for what we Americans call the "shitter". I snapped this beauty at the Seattle Aquarium. As for what venue I'd choose for the unveiling, there was never any doubt. No Complaints won the "scoop" faster than you can say "____". On that note, can you say lunch? Where should it be held?

Mofos before Gofos!

Mary's here now so I'm ditching your candyasses -- psych!
D*cks before Ch*cks, mother f*c*ers!
Shall we make it the EMRB?

Git'cher Gonads

Strange subject line, huh? Anyways, I plan on lunch'n and munch'n at the EMRBreezy.

Delayed return

I'm back, dudes, but cannot make it to lunch today. My sincere apologies for being a gebroni.

If anybody is down for some Monday Lunch

I am in!

Friday Lunch

I'm pulling my 'ol Nooner trick, but I am planning on being at lunch at the EMRB. Noon-ish. Boo ya

Yasir Arafat

Lunch? EMRBizzle? I'll be there.

Rowdy, Rowdy

Gentlemen, start your sandwiches. Where is our noon date today?

My apologies

Sorry I was unable to start the summer off on the right foot, attendance-wise. Had I not had to drink some beers Sunday to celebrate Mother's Day (I kept up with Mom, but barely), I would have been in Iowa City before 11 am yesterday, and would have been at work an appropriate amount of time to be able to attend lunch, guilt-free.

I plan on making it today, wherever anyone wishes, as long as no one tries to have sex with me in a very uncomfortable place.... like the back seat of a Volkswagon. I can't gaurantee that though, as sometime today I have to go tend to No-Complaints' second generation, which is currently in the maternity ward (I'm talking about Chris's kid. I just realized we are under an abundant crop of pregnant ladies, so I wanted to get that straight). If visiting hours happen to fall around lunchtime, I have a difficult decision to make.

School's! Out! For! Summer!

But I am still here and will eat lunch at ... EMRB? The Atrium? Any thoughts?

7th floor Atrium

I propose, nay, insist!, upon eating today at the Atrium (Located in John Colloton Pavilion on the 7th floor off of elevator F.) today.

The finest meats and cheeses for all!

Except me, who will be eating a PB & Shit.

Table for 1!

Michael Brumm will be dining today -- friendless, alone, and crestfallen -- in his office: W287 GH.