Onward, Dino-buddies! (1 o'clock!!!!!!!)

This is a picture of my 28th birthday cake. The story is, that Trex is about to smash that cabin to bits, and then he's seriously thinking about crushing up that convertible as well. The smaller dinosaur is looking on, thinking, "Dude, that's harsh."

This is all to tell you that this is the last chance you douchebags are gonna get to kick ol' Clake around the schoolyard. I'm taking my ball(s) and moving across the river, where the shops are expensive and the mentally ill sing loudly and unabashedly in the streets. I'm taking a 1pm lunch today in EMRB. Anyone who wants to man up and take their lunch at 1 o'clock as well is welcome to join. What's the matter, am I too REAL for you?

You can take this to the bank

Last week we talked about how cashing in coins is the only reason why many of us go to the bank these days, which reminded me of a certain escapade from my recent Boston trip. To explain, may I direct your attention to the giant green Crayola crayon between my legs? You might also notice the wad of Jacksons in my left hand, and the reverse peace sign (AKA: British middle finger) in my right. Well, said crayon (combined with a couple other boxes of coins) contained over $550 bones including 9000+ pennies, which were redeemed (by me & my boy) not at the local bank but rather the neighborhood Stop & Shop. They had this machine, and we only clogged the thing once (but on purpose) just to send a message to all onlookers that C.R.E.A.M.

In closing, E.M.R.B. = Everything Me Rules Bananas?

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a happy sausage?

I'm considering a lunch today:
Any takers?

A Fully Illustrated News and Opinions Source

Busy weekend and a boring Monday morning have combined for a lengthy and spastic blog entry. I'll cover it like a true news source. News, then Weather, then Sports.

News:

Lil Wayne was arrested in Boise, I da ho, (mug shot above) this weekend on an outstanding warrant from Georgia. What was the offense back in Georgia? Drug possession. Am I suprised? Hell yes! Not that he does drugs (listen to his songs, he definitely does drugs) but that he got arrested. He's rich and he's an artist. Put those together and you've got a get out of jail free card. I mean, the Beatles never got in trouble for drugs when they..... what's that? Oh... well, I'm sure he'll get out of it and spit some sweet rhymes about this in no time. As an aside, I'm sure none of the readers of this blog listen to rap or even like it, but Lil Wayne makes some very unique stuff. He's from New Orleans and has a very backwater sound to his music and has very creative lyrics.

Weather:

It was rather warm this weekend. I'm going to go with an argument I hear quite often: This is proof of global warming. Why else would we have beautiful weather in October?? Before people started polluting the world, there was no weather, just average temperatures and rainfall. You could always expect the temperature to be exactly where it should be at all times.... that's why they call it an average!

Sports:

The Cubs lost (got beat down) their series with the Arizona D'bags. Although I'm a Cub fan and lived and died with their every loss this summer, there's an eery calm that's come over me now that they've lost. Everything is right with the world and unlike the Red/White Sox, I don't have to put up with cute girls in pink Cubs hats running around "rooting" for stuff when they don't know Fontenot from Theriot. There's always next year!

In football news. the ever popular "This is Sportscenter" series features Jim Kelly (oh, oh, ohohoh, HELL YEAH, Hell Yeah...... hell yeah..... hel.... oh, oh....) getting his Hall of Fame jacket eaten by a mascot.

Editorial:

The wonk illustrated.

Copyright 2007 No Complaints

Thursday Lunch

Hey guys, I know it's an off day for Phil, and this is a late post, but I will be at EMRB at Noon (about 10 minutes or so) for the lunch.

Philthy's Halloween Plans?

What's the third hole in that sheet for? Maybe we should ask him at lunch in EMRB. Takers?

Death of a party

I am, in a word, crushed.

For 3+ years there has been a veritable party in my mouth every time I’ve dined at -- nay, even thought about dining at -- Joensy’s Restaurant in Solon, IA. I can still hear the waitress’ voice asking: “Would you like some ‘frickles’ (fried pickles) with your tenderloin, sir?” Combine these with a lean and mean Bison Burger and several big screen TVs -- which on occasion have been known to show Buffalo Bills games featuring Jim Kelly’s no-huddle offense -- and you my friend have the recipe for, to borrow a line from Belinda Carlisle, Heaven in a place on Earth.


Brumblestiltzkin eating a tenderloin at Joensy's (from his actual gmail photo): "I just thought they were black beans," he reflected this morning.

But then I read this, and my innocence was shattered:

When (Brian Joens) asked what the complaint was, I pointed to the live roach on the counter top (across from the dish machine) next to me and said there was a complaint about roaches. His wife, Lisa, came around the corner behind me, saw the roach after I pointed it out and smashed it with her hand and brushed it off to the floor," the record of communications stated.

That would be 1 line from today's Press-Citizen expose of a recent Johnson County Department of Public Health inspection of my beloved eatery.

At any rate, I will be partaking in today's $2.25 slice of roach pizza special at the Fountain. What do you say to noon lunch at EMRB?

Tuesday lunch

Morning gents, I'll be attending the Noon lunch. EMRB I would think. Any takers?

The Party's Crashing Us

Yes, Clake is crashing the party! All this week, due to vacationing co-workers and phone coverage, I find myself taking lunch during the traditional 12-1 time slot. Is anyone else EMRB-ing today (Monday, 10/1/07)?

My last day this week

Hey Michael, are you down for grabbing some lunch today? I should be around at the usual Noon time at EMRB. Let me know man!

You'll get it

Whoever captured this photo is an absolute genius. Of course, the Mountaineers are wearing their away colors, so maybe they were taking some heckling for it from the hometown fans. Still though, someone had to point it out.

I'd like to credit Clake for this picture. I think it really embodies everything good about college athletics.

Is anyone interested in lunch today?

"People do the best they can, but we're just people. Not Greek deities -- who, by the way, had their own faults."

To the left, a young human breaks down after being told that he is not, in fact, a Greek deity.






For more on this story, go to ABC News

Lunch?

hey sorry for the late post

just got out of a meeting. lunch in a short while?

Friday Lunch

Hey boys, I will be at lunch today at Noon at EMRB. Late night last night, I'll be arriving directly from the bus. Also, don't forget birthday treats at 1:30 in or around the Philibert Lab!

Meeting accomplished (i.e., canceled)

I was supposed to miss lunch today due to a meeting, but it just got canceled (well, technically, I was just uninvited). Needless to say I am feeling pretty shafted, but my spirits are buoyed by prospects of having my proverbial complaints nullified via some serious EMRB lunch action.

Follow Up

Several weeks ago, Clake made a half-assed attempt at being funny and faked a picture of a dog licking an elephant's butt. He simply put the phrase, "Picture of a dog licking an elephant's butt," in brackets and passed that off as a picture. As you can see, I've very nearly got the real deal.

Let's all go to lunch today and talk about what a poor effort that was by Clake. We can also discuss how dedicated to the cause I am. We can also find out if Bill does indeed have tuberculosis of his member.

Tuesday and TB

I'm getting my annual TB test today. But after that, methinks I will be attending lunch. Is anyone interested for Noon at EMRB?

Lunch?

If you don't come to lunch, you're getting one of these!

Preaching to the Choir

Hey everybody! A contest! The prize is a noninclusive lunch at EMRB with yours truly.

The rules of this game are pretty simple:
Simply kiss one of those guys handing out the New Testament.
It has to be on the cheek, no tongue, just a lot of lip.
A longing gaze in the eyes immediately after is worth a bonus lunch with me.
A pat on the butt (his, not yours) is worth a pat on the butt of me.
If you can pull off all the above without taking a little green book, You Da Man!

Three Hundy!

Wow, another milestone, and this has nothing to do with lunch. It's simply Philthy being Filthy.

I found this to be pretty funny. It's about who you would want to be your wingman out of all the NFL quarterbacks. Kyle Orton (an Iowa native who's legacy as a J.D. man became cemented in downtown Iowa City during a bye week) ranks quite high up there. I would have to agree. http://sportsyenta.blogspot.com/2007/09/you-can-be-my-wingman-anytime.html

Final topic of the night: Is it bad if I bought the 750 mL bottle of Absolut Vodka on the same night as the 2 L bottle of Lemonade for the specific reason of them complementing each other, and I'm out of the vodka and not quite half way through the lemonade as of 10 minutes ago? By the way, I live by myself and never have house guests due to my small size (of my television).

Size vs. Stamina (or, I mean cake)

I got an email today (from an Aileen Vargas), with the following subject:

"Now it is possible to have sex more than 10 times a day!" (emphasis mine)

I read on:

"Just put this in mind: how about to have bigger pe wdb nis, better erec mwi tions and increased se yz xual pleasure. Think of how this could give you confidence and self-esteem that you have never experienced before. The effect on your life could be truly enormous if you take that step and order your pe rk nis enlar hue gement pill today " (emphasis mine)

I'm confused -- is this targeting the size-impaired or the stamina-impaired? Does Aileen want to have her cock and eat it, too? What's a perknis?

Come to EMRB at noon to discuss!

Another Lame-O post

Wow, I'm sorry about this one. I pretty much suck at life. And not just in the general way either. I mean this quite literally. It's like the meaning of life is a great big strawberry at the bottom of a shake, and I keep on sucking and sucking at the straw (proverbial life), trying to get the meaning of life out of it, and I just can't do it. The strawberry is just too big to get out. I try stabbing at it with the straw (life), but I can't break down the strawberry (meaning) enough to get anything out of it (the straw). That leaves me quite literally sucking at life, until I get sores on my lips and the insides of my cheeks from all the sucking.

Lunch, anybody?

And the award for lamest blog entry goes to...

I'll be at lunch barring unforeseen disasters.
Michaelangeho

And the winner is.....

...Philthy! By a landslide. Let's hear what he has to say down in the ring.

PA Guy: Philthy, tell me how it feels to be crowned the champ by TKO in the 9th round.

Philthy (still bleeding from a cut above the eye): First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for getting me to this point. As a child I had a dream to accomplish this one day. I've been working for it ever since. I love you Mom and Dad! You're the greatest. To my trainers, we've put in a lot of time in the private gym we have. They've made me the donkey puncher I am today. I am the greatest!

PA Guy: Did you think you'd be able to comeback from that blow you took in the 3rd?

Philthy: Wow, that was quite the blow. Luckily, it's all about recovery and stamina. I got saved by the bell and luckily I came back in the fourth with a big new swing of confidence, got my momentum going forward again, and had a bounce in my step starting in the fifth.

PA Guy: How are you going to follow this performance for the ages up?

Philthy: I'm going to EMRB at noon for some chow!

Today??

Hey guys

[Picture of a dog licking an elephant's butt]

I'll be eating in EMRB at noonish, if anyone else is left around.

Political Follies

Question from Philthy:

Is Hillary Clinton really a humongous bitch, as the picture denotes, or is she viewed that way for other reasons? Could it be because she was a rather outspoken first lady? Could it be because she stuck with Bill after getting his knob polished by Monica Lewinsky as well as using her as his own personal humidor, possibly for her own professional reasons? Maybe because she's in a male dominated profession? What about the fact that she kept the "Rodham" in her name? Is it because she doesn't seem like the type of woman who we'd see baking cookies and kissing boo-boos? I ask these questions because I take a pretty laid back approach to politics. I rely on the impressions I have of candidates, as well as the people in office, and then try to sort through the facts later. If Hillary's such a bitch, wouldn't I have crossed her off my short list long ago?

Does anyone want to discuss this at lunch today? Or maybe we should stick to our campaign of instituting the Joe Pesci as a unique way to express yourself to a loved one?

More Awkward

I gotta be honest, that whole posting at the same time thing was just a little bit queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

By the way, first day of class for me today and I've already shattered a couple of records. I've actually studied some lecture notes (I had some downtime). I'm not sure that I've ever studied before September before. I've also had my thigh rubbed during a lecture. That's never happened until at least the fifth week of class.

Onward and Upward!

I'm an Axehole

Brumble Pie will not be served at today's lunch, but I will be back in action tomorrow.

Get your Bill action while you can!

Hey guys, my bro is getting married this weekend in Chicago, so I will be out of the office both Thursday and Friday this week. So come and lunch it up with the 'ol Billster while you still can! Boo ya!

An Ode to Awkward

I'm making this poem up as I go:

School just started

Am I in too deep?

I may have farted

Hope no one heard the 'beep'

Damn that girl's hot

I can't stop staring

With her cute blonde hair

Why is she glaring

What's that?

Oh No!

Gotta give a speech

I'd rather not stand

Or they'll think I'm a creep

Bent over to the front

of the class I go

I hope it's not obvious

Don't let your eyes go low

Think about Baseball!

Or Shaquille O'Neal

Hmm... she's wearing a skirt....

Crap, my mind wandered

Such a terrible deal

Snickers from the back

I think they know

Quick! Turn around

This is quite the show

As I turned to hide it

The papers on the desk!

Unto the floor they go!

So embarrassed am I

I'll drown my sorrows

In a cool Dt. Pepsi
At EMRB

Maybe around Noonsie?

Late Post

What's up home team members? Sorry for the late post but I've had a messed up morning attributed to being messed up. I'll be at lunch, and after consulting with Bill, it sounds like he'll be there as well.

thursday lunch

i'll be at EMRb at noon! hope to see you there

Wining and Dining

in the EMRB at noon. Any takers?

British Dwarfs Shween Stuck in Hoover

I found this on Yahoo. I altered the headline a little bit and took it upon myself to find a picture of the guy. This is quite the treat, and a lesson learned, as well.

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.
Daniel Blackner, or "Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf", was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.
The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.
The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.
He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.
"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.
"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."

Back to cafeteria burgers ...

Awesome work on the Gunderburger, Phil. I've had a hankerin' to take that challenge some day myself! And speaking of food challenges, Noon at EMRB anyone?

Why I'm not at work

I hope your Monday is treating you well. I decided to take the day off for a trip up to Cresco. In the world of all that is Gluttonous, I also made a trip to a little place called the Irish Shanti in a little place called Gunder, Iowa. Aside from being about 5 miles from my family's other acreage, it is also the proud home of the Gunderburger (seen above). That's 20 ounces of greasy burger right there, and I demolished it. Even had the side of hashbrowns as well. That would be the third time I've laid waste to the Gunderburger.

For more information, visit www.thegunderburger.com. Oh, as far as eating establishments go, the Irish Shanti is quite the place. Fantastic food. It's also a pretty decent bar with a beer selection to even satisfy all you beer snobs. They have Busch Light as well, and due to the proximity to my cabin, there's ample Busch Light in the area at all times.

See y'all Tuesday, suckers!

March 2004-August 2007. R.I.P.

Dianna (above, sort of) is leaving her post today as Student Researcher to assume the role of Student on a full time basis. This is trully a sad day in the lab, as a strong employee is now dead to me. Let's make an obituary for Dianna's career:

Dianna's career was born after spring break of 2004. Some forget that her career also has a twin, by the name of Phil. His is quite a bit more successful, obviously. She recieved a healthcare email account and an office. Soon after she began pretending to work on random stuff. One of her first assignments was to make name placards for everyone in the lab and she spelled everyone's name correctly, except for Phil's. This was the first act of blatant sabotage in an illustrious career of sabotage against Phil. A short time later, an unnamed coworker squirted her pants and shoes with water but claimed it was bleach. Dianna unleashed her first profane assault on said coworker, a pattern of abuse that has tainted her reputation as a solid employee ever since (let's digress a little. She's called Phil a dumbass 87 times. She's flipped him off 243 times since statistics have been kept, which was last week. She's taken credit for everything Phil has done. She even sabotaged Phil's imminent discovery of renewable energy by flinging poo at him.) Eventually Dianna moved and got the good office at the end of the lab. There, she can take naps after pummeling her coworkers, emotionally and physically (as if she didn't have it good enough with the good office). At one point, Dianna won an award. No one is sure why she won anything, but she did anyway. Over time, Dianna quit pretending to work hard and took a great deal of time off for things like "the MCATs," a "wedding," and a "honeymoon." This was the beginning of the end for Dianna as her employers scrambled to push her into medical school to keep her busy when she got fired. Lord knows she would have completely gone nutso if she was fired without distractions. August seventeenth, 2007, marks the day where she's finally getting the boot.

All joking aside, let's give Dianna one last lunch sendoff today. Let's make some crude jokes and watch her completely tune out all sounds eminating from her own table. That would be the best send off possible.

Thursday Lunch

Hey guys and gals, I am planning on being at EMRB at Noon today. Hope to see you there!

Interesting SNL tidbits

A couple weekends ago there was a Chevy Chase marathon on AMC. Being that I'm a huge fan of some of his earlier work (because there's nothing recent he's done) I watched much of Fletch and Fletch Lives. I found it interesting that he "hosted" the marathon, which meant that once an hour he would say, "I'm Chevy Chase and you're watching Fletch." Once, during the marathon, he commented that Fletch was his favorite movie to make because he was able to make up his own lines. He didn't appear to be funny in any way, and I got to wondering what he's been up to and what caused him to fall off the face of the earth. So this morning, after coming in sick (peanuts, not the terminator) I looked up some stuff and found out he's been banned from Saturday Night Live. I was even more interested to see the following list of banned performers and the reasons for their banishments.

http://www.zimbio.com/Infamous+moments+in+Saturday+Night+Live+history/notes/1/People+banned+from+SNL

SNL seemed to be much more interesting back in the day.

Fletch, reincarnated

Gail Stanwyck (Bill): What are you doing here?

Fletch (Phil): I ordered some lunch.

Gail Stanwyck (Brummski): You ordered it here?

Fletch (Phil): Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.

*****

Fletch (Dianna): If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

See you all at EMRB at noon?

A True Classic

These guys are definitely the bomb, and not all that much different than Itchy and Scratchy, if you actually watch Tom and Jerry. I've definitely seen Tom get scalped in one or more of the cartoons.

Lunch today?

BTW, searching for this picture under Google images was my third idea of the morning. I tried for 2 other innocent subjects (one of which being the name of this blog) and accidentally stumbled upon porn on the first page of the search. If I end up missing from work for awhile, now you all know why.

The True LOLCat

Since Kristina's away, this is the picture I requested she put up yesterday.

I know it will be a sparsely attended lunch today, so I would like to welcome all closet-readers of No Complaints to come out of the woodwork and join me for lunch at EMRB at noon today.

For manly love be at EMRB Aug 9 at 12:00 sharp

my first post!!!

cutest cat ever?

Phil wanted to let everyone know that it was not actually him that posted this picture, it was in fact me(kristina). Who wouldn't want credit for this though?!

lunch at emrb?

Keep'n up with the Joneses

Whew, at least I'm keeping up with Clake on subject matter!

Any of you poopers coming to lunch today? If so, leave a smear right above the toilet paper dispenser. Don't bother leaving a note or anything, I'll be able to identify who's who by scent, sight, and if the opportunity presents itself..... touch (y'all thought I was going to go with taste, didn't you??).

If you're unable to "have a movement," feel free to just respond to this post.

I'm just so proud I have to share

Bring your Meatwad!

I'm planning a party. Here's your invite:

Activity: Lunch

Where: EMRB

When: Noon (CST)

How: By any means necessary

Who: The ghettoist folks

Standard Deviation: 23

Color: Red (for blood)

Size: 36-24-36

Shoe: Airwalks

Genre: Easy listening

Food: Beef stroganoff

Beverage: Cognac

Animal: Beaver

Thief: Turd Burglar

Facial Tissue: Kleenex

Bladder Control Device: Depends

Bowel Control Device: Plug

Underwear: Optional (although socks are a must!)

Celebrity: Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson

I hope to see you all there!

Inspiration Strikes!

Due to a practical joke attempt gone wrong, the blog has another interesting and informative post today. A coworker asked to borrow my computer and then came to me, asking why the page was opened onto wikipedia and the subject in question was "Dwarf Tossing." Believe me when I say that I didn't come up with the subject, nor would I leave that open on my computer for others to see and judge.

Anyway, I found Dwarf Tossing to be fascinating and did a little research. I was introduced to Cuddles and Lenny the Missile, World Champions. Imagine them, just living the life, knocking back brews at bars and then peddling their wares, which in this case is the ability to entertain the Bejesus out of people by having Cuddles (the big guy) launch the lil' fella, Lenny the Giant (missile) a distance surpassing 12 feet. Damn! That's all I have to say.

I think, however, that the world was a much simpler place when Dwarf Tossing reached its apex. I'm sure that if it was popular today, it would be tainted by steroids, asterisk-riddled records, bulimic dwarfs, and strange love triangles involving other tossers' dwarfs and a donkey show. If only we could return to the good old days when a man could make a living in the honorable way.... by tossing a dwarf across a bar, and being revered for it instead of cast away as a dreg of society. Also, imagine the hope that this sport (yes, I'm calling it a sport) could provide to little people throughout the world. Small children could hope to not grow up and serve the world as a missile. Tall kids would be chastised for being too big to be missiles, and too gangly to be a tosser.

Let us join today at lunch, and raise a glass in honor of all the Cuddles and Lennys (the missiles) out there. May there be hope!

The Cure-all!

If you ever wonder what goes through my head, I'll try to explain the thought process.... my mind is always in the crapper.

I stumbled upon this picture today and had to share it. This toilet is for squatting, instead of sitting, which is supposed to straighten your anal canal and "relieve" you of uncomfortable things such as constipation and, I assume, saddle sores.

For more information, please visit www.relfe.com/toilet_seat_constipation.html. I promise, you won't be disappointed with the information or the stories about your "bum."

Lunch in EMRB today?

Seven Mary Three

If I were getting pulled over, I would definitely want my imminent ticket to be issued by either of these two fellas. I wouldn't even mind if they issued a moving violation, if you know what I mean! (If you know what I mean, please explain, because I don't really know what I mean)

Anyway, where's lunch today? Who'll be there?

Oh yeah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy9aUSdE1Kg&mode=related&search=

Hilarity Ensues

It's Monday, and a very special day indeed as Clake will be consuming the contents of his Alf lunchpail at 12:00 noon in EMRB. I don't know how many of you will be available, but I'm hoping that at least a few will respond with a hearty "No problem!"

Last Minute on Friday

I'm not sure who is around, but it's almost Noon on Friday and I'm heading over to EMRB for some lunch action. Holla!

No Lunch, Just Picture

I dunno. I just had to post this somewhere. Click here for context. I heard Phil talking once about how after he (unsuccessfully) tried to beer-bong four beers at once he had "Busch-Light-peepee" for a week, and this reminded me of that story.

Sorry for the late post!

You down with EMRB? Yeah I'm down with EMRB!

WHO down with EMRB? I'm down with EMRB!

90's Hip-hop anyone? Noon lunch at EMRB anyone? I am going to run a quick errand then I'll be there for lunch. I may be 5 minutes late or so.

See you guys soon!

Eat It

How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it (prrr)

Let's Go Crazy

Let's get nuts
Let's look 4 the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

It's 80's pop icon week on No Complaints

Are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down?
Oh, no let's go!

...up the purple elevator to the atrium?

Wanting, Needing, Waiting

For You to justify my lunch

To the Loo!

After a long night of drinking apple martinis, tequila sunrises, and starbursts, I really had to take a tinkle. I fought my way through the crowd, slapping hands away from my chest and bottom. I saw it, off in the distance, that beautiful beacon of plumbing. I climbed over and around all the glamorous people in that trendy bar, struggling to flex my loins in an effort to control my bladder. Just when I felt the pressure was building to an explosive force, I could hear the flushing and smell the soaps. I was close! The crowd parted and I could see the door. That beautiful door. Shit! It's the women's room.

I slowly retreated from the puddle beneath me, horrified by what had just become of my credibility. Somewhere, off in the distance, taps could be heard. My social life just died, and was buried. Not under the American flag, but under the badge of a dirty bar-towel. I would never be seen in public again, except on the corner, looking for handouts and smoking butts of cast away cigarettes.

Today, July 19th, 2007, I will be making an appearance and EMRB. Hopefully this will be my first step to redemption. Please be gentle.

A Switch Back to Central Daylight Time

To accomodate for a co-worker's medical appointment, I have graciously agreed to eat my lunch with the rest of the mighty, midwestern United States on Wednesday. To further clarify, for morans, I will be eating at noon. In what sorts of places do you folks take your lunches anymore? Someone shout out a locale.

Random Hookups

Last weekend, I got really drunk and hooked up with a fat chick. She was wearing this cute little dress, but unfortunately, she wasn't cute.... or little.... This is her Facebook picture, apparently taken immediately before we met. She's not much to look at, but she is a pretty sooo-eyeet ride, if you know what I mean.

Maybe we will meet her when we go to Airliner for DIANNA'S B-DAY! The plan is to take the 11:45 Pentacrest Route to go

Downtown

Where all the lights are bright

Downtown

Waiting for you tonight

Downtown

You're gonna be alright now

...downtown

We'll be hopping on the bus at MERF, but if anyone else would like to hop on the bus at any other stops, or even walk Downtown

Things'll be great when you're-downtown

Don't wait a minute more

Downtown-everything's waiting for you

Downtown (everything's waiting for you)

That would be fine.

Craptacular Post

No funny business today. Just straight up, old school, kick'n it freestyle, who's going to lunch?-style entry. Nothing funny, whatsoever.

New Menu Link

By popular demand, one can now link to the UIHC Dept of Food and Nutrition Services' "Menu Areas" directly from No Complaints. Experts predict that this new partnership will increase traffic for each of these stellar, yet unheralded, web destinations.

No Lunch, Just Picture Goodness

No lunch again today. I'm in another time zone as I'm chillin' in outer space with my man L. Ron. But I saw this picture and I had to post it for the No Complaints crew.

Say, when is the next 1pm extravanganza to happen?

What'cha gonna do?

When Pastamania runs wild on you!!!

Lunch?

Turd Burglar

I hope this little bandit doesn't come steal any of my masterpieces!

Lunch, anyone?

OH YEEE-UHHhhhh.....

I'm going to let you all in on a very private part of my life, one that I've kept under a shroud of secrecy since an unfortunate incident back in middle school. There are really no words to describe it, so I'll need the help of this self portrait.

Readers of No Complaints..... sometimes my turds are too big for my bum. If you could see the bottom of this picture, you'd see that I'm quite literally Rocking a deuce.

Who's in it for lunch today? EMRB???

It's Monday and I had a dentist appointment at 8:00 this morning

That's right, which makes me HUNGRY. For love. And also lunch. Noon, ladies and gents?

If Anybody is Around

Hey everybody, it's the 5th of July and I'm going to lunch at Noon if anybody else is up for it. I know that Phil is gone but I'm not sure about anybody else. Hope to hear from ya!

Trolling at its finest

Disclaimer: this post is low-brow, even by No Complaints standards, but the following vandalism to Wikipedia's "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest" page simply had to be brought to the masses (and by masses, I of course mean Bill and Phil):


Nathan's International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest is an annual competitive eating competition held at Nathan's Famous Corporation's original and best-known restaurant at the corner of Penis and Wheenis Avenues in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York. The event is held on July 4, and is regarded as the world's most famous penis resembling eating contest. In 2006, over 30,000 spectators attended the event, and an additional 1.5 million households masturbated to it live on ESPN.^[1]

The 69th annual contest will be held July 4, 2007, and will be televised live on ESPN at high noon. EDT. Six-time defending champion Takeru "Balls Deep" Kobayashi will attempt to win his seventh straight despite suffering from reported jaw pain. Balls Deep will be challenged by Joey "Pimple Cock" Chestnut, who recently shattered his cock eating record by eating 106 cocks in a qualifying event^[2]

Dose of Own Medicine as Brumm Gets Taken for a (Mustache) Ride

By a 57-56 margin, Phillip "Bohlayashi" Bohle has emerged victorious this evening in the much-anticipated "Stricken by Chicken" wing-eating contest. Despite a Brumble barrage of psychological warfare -- including the resurgence of his Bizarro Prefontaine persona (dormant since 2001) -- it was Bohle who went the distance tonight in Iowa City's Vine Tavern.

Neck and neck after 4 baskets, each reeling from the one-two punch of 2 pints of wing sauce and 1 bitchy waitress, it was the fans who propelled each contestant to the brink. "I wouldn't even have broken 50 if not for the crowd's enthusiasm," said Brumm afterwards, before passing out into a pile of his own reversal of fortune. "The fans were great," added Bohle, "especially that one lady sitting at the bar."

In lieu of an official prize for the winner, it is rumored that Massachusetts may cede 1 electoral vote to Iowa, but confirmation is pending as this entry goes to press. It is confirmed, however, that the people of Swedesburg may sleep soundly knowing that Steve and Susie's kid ate 8 celery sticks to Bohle's 7, and increased the town's mean BMI by 1 SD. Cresco, meanwhile, need no longer claim its fame on having produced the world's 1st airline stewardess, as there is a new sheriff in town -- his badge: the Nobel Prize of Gluttony.

We're supposed to work today, right?

Hey everybody, it's Monday of 4th of July week. Boo ya!! I'm planning on hitting up a Noon lunch. Anybody with me?